This is the first part of a series on online dating
Online Dating is weird. The whole thought of it is weird. The fact that you’re meeting someone from the internet that you have only exchanged a few messages with is certainly an odd way of meeting someone. Prior to moving I had contemplated trying this out; I like females, I’m lazy and I didn’t really know anyone when I moved.
My coworker told me I should join a dating site, so that is what I did. His explanation went something like this:
“It’s so easy, you just meet chicks and fuck em, if it goes bad, who cares? there’s more fish in the sea.”
After much internal struggle and thinking, “Am I going to be that guy, doing online dating?” I thought, there is nothing to lose, so I joined.
Filling out your profile.
There are a few sections to make you compatible with others…personal questions, bio, things you enjoy, etc.
Who likes to talk about themselves? No one loves me more than I love me, and this is still a little difficult. I try not to put up too much information and write down little intricacies of my life. ( as a guy I don’t care what movies you like, or what books you read, I cant put my dick in those things)
When it came to putting up pictures, I found a few of myself in which I wasn’t totally fucked up and I looked decent. I didn’t use of pictures of me with friends because I wouldn’t want pictures of myself on a dating site without being asked first. I didn’t alter my pictures or anything, because what is the purpose of lying what you look like? Plenty of chicks have done this. Don’t do it.
The Art of the first message.
I’ll admit when I first started doing this, I had no clue how to get the attention of all the hot bitties I wanted to stick it in. My first few messages were sad…
I said the following:
- I’m awesome
Straight up pathetic.
What I didn’t realize, is that these girls are being bombarded by creepy messages from dudes saying the same shit. That does not make you stand out. I eventually modified my approach to just straight up insulting everyone. I would read their profile and find something I can rip on them for. BOOM! Some examples of this are:
- You like harry Potter? Glad you can read at a seventh grade level!
- (to a spanish girl) Making rice and beans, does not qualify you as being a good cook
- (to a black girl) I have a job and no kids, does this automatically make me better than you’re used to?
Now if she has any sense of humor, she will come back with a witty retort ( all these girls did). If she doesn’t, there is a good chance I wouldn’t like her anyway.
I do like to fuck around with theses messages. There are certainly plenty of potential dates I could get if I wasn’t such an asshole, ( these girls sent hate back) but I can’t help myself. Examples are:
- (to a Muslim girl) I want to eat bacon off you and then declare a jihad on your body
- (to a really Catholic girl) What’s the difference between Acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits till you’re 14 to cum on your face
- (girl from Alabama) How big is your trailer? Did you have enough money for the double-wide, or did you spend it getting your abortion?
Here is someone who is a year younger than me with no sense of humor.
Going on a Date.
I am a cheap fuck and I would never under any circumstance buy dinner for a girl the first time I’m meeting her, or do anything but drinks. There are few reasons why i would never break this rule.
- I don’t know you, the last thing I want to do is spend two hours with you getting dinner. That mean’s I’m locked in and I have to pretend to enjoy the conversation. Awkward.
- Do girls eat? Still not sure of this. If we are going to dinner, I want you to get dinner. Order a bacon-wrapped steak with a side of lard. If I’m paying, you’re eating.
- Creative dates come later on. You have to earn it.
- I don’t want to spend any money on you unless I’m getting some. Sorry, you’re not worth $40.
This is why I do drinks. Happy Hour will always come first. I need to get to know you and find out if you suck. If you do suck, we can each get a drink and split. I don’t mind paying for your $3 Michelob Ultra…Stop drinking that crap. Even at the most expensive happy hour I’m dropping $20-$30, and that’s with me getting a few drafts.
As cheap as I am, I know going into dates, I will always throw down the card. Girls, just fucking offer to pay. Show some effort and reach for your purse.
part 2 will follow.