I stumbled into my hostel dorm around 10 am, still wearing my authentic lederhosen. I was covered in a myriad of substances ranging from beer to bodily fluids, and had that look of defeat on my face. I picked my head up and noticed all my roommates grinning, and taunting me. I went right into the shower, then into my bottom bunk. I passed out. I had had a long night.
The previous day, I had went to Oktoberfest with the rest of my hostel. I had made friends with all my roommates (all Aussies and 2 Kiwi’s and 1 Brazilian) and we were heading out to the festival for the second day of non stop drinking. We got to the tent early to reserve a spot, around 8am or so. We tipped the waitress in advance so she would remember us. From the point on it was like we had our own personal server.
The first beer of the morning is hard to stomach, especially on an empty stomach, but it somehow went down. About 3 beer’s in, the whole tent is starting to loosen up, people are alert and are at the cusp of becoming rowdy.
Fast forward till about 8. I’m like 9 beer stein’s deep. Completely shitfaced. All I had to eat was a pork knuckle, some mashed potatoes and copious amounts of strong German beer. Amongst all the chaos in the tent I look around to see that out of the 8 or so people I came with, 3 were left. At this point it was like a circus. Tits were out, people were puking, I was making out with foreigners left and right.
I eventually came across this kiwi who had an attitude. I think I just poked fun of her accent and called her a name. We were both on the table and within in 5 minutes she slapped me across the face and called me a “stupid cunt.” I was in love. Ten minutes later we were sloppily making out in the corner of Lowenbrau tent. I told my Aussie buddy I was leaving. We then walked over to her group of friends. She grabbed my face and showed it to her friends and said the following:
Kiwi: I’m going home with this American. If he rapes me, this is he looks like. he’s staying at Wombats
Me: I’m going to rape her (as I grab her and walk away)
For some reason we couldn’t go back to my hostel, within walking distance and only about a half mile away ( I had done the walk about 4 times and new my way around). Instead, we went back to wear she was staying. A fucking campground. It was 20 minutes away. We took a cab.
As we approached the campground I thought, “Fuck this is far.” It was raining and cold and I had no clue where I was. I sneak into the campground and we go into the tent. It was a 1 person tent, on a cold wet ground. I stayed the night.
I’m awoken by the sound of rain thumping on the thin tent. I look around and notice I was not wearing clothes and only had a pair of girls pants covering me. I was freezing and it was probably around 40 or so outside. After getting turned down for morning sex I ventured out of the camp in my thick leather getup.
It was fucking poring and I didn’t know where I was going. It took me 20 minutes to walk to the nearest metro station. I get inside and look at the map.
As I’m looking at this map this dude comes up to me and says the following:
dude: I’m fucked, I don’t know where I’m going. I’m guiding a tour of 23 Americans (he was a Kiwi) and I went back to some chicks hotel and I’m half hour late
me: Good luck, I’m in the same boat only I don’t have to work today
We both realize we’re on the completely wrong side of the city. The train comes, we wish each other luck and I get on. It’s about 7:30 and people are headed to work for their morning commute, and some schmuck wearing stained lederhosen walks on reeking of beer. I sit down and try to figure out where I’m going. After about 20 minutes I get off.
I apparently read the map wrong and now I’m even further away. I tried getting a cab, but to no avail. I’m fucking lost. This is worse than the time I got lost in Amsterdam following this girl back to her hotel room and then she bailed. At least then I could get a cab.
I walked into a bank and no one wanted to help me, because I looked like an asshole. I walked about 20 more minutes and found a hotel. The front desk agent said it would take 40 more minutes for a cab to come. He carefully gave me directions to take the subway back to my hostel. I still had to walk at least a mile. It was pouring rain and the leather became fully water logged and probably added an extra 15 pounds. Just about everyone in the city was staring at me.
I somehow found my way back to the hostel dripping wet, coughing and sneezing.