This is my first post in a while because I keep making excuses for not writing, since I’m lazy. I hope to change that this year. I have a lot of things to write about, all of which are quite funny or disturbing. I also plan on changing the site design.
Moving a way from everybody you know can be challenging, even if you’re as outgoing as myself, and you have no shame. Since I don’t have any of my asshole friends to hang out with I pretty much do variety of things on my own, one of them being, introducing myself to different aged people of the opposite sex. Usually it’s easy to meet friends of friends and acquaintances and all that shit, but when you don’t really have any wing-men to go out with, it’s a different ballgame. I’m open to several different ideas. My philosophy is “Fuck it, I’ll do anything once.”
The other week a young lad I work with told me he’ll set me up on a blind date. I was hesitant for good reason. Why, you ask? Well, I see him everyday and I know who he is, and he is
not like me nothing like me. I was skeptical, but in the end I said sure. I knew nothing about this person except that she was short and had a vagina. It could have been this creature for all I knew. I eventually saw 1 Facebook picture. This 1 picture was not a close up, all you could see was her face….far away. FUCK! We exchanged numbers and yada yada yada, I met her yesterday.
Now, the day before, on Tuesday I went out with someone who was just my type. Everything went well and better than I expected. It was awesome. So I knew the only way this blind date would be better is if this broad blew me and served me steak at the same time. (Yes that is a real thing, March 14)
So I made plans for her to come to me since I wasn’t interested in doing this at all. We went to the bar up the street. I was late. I didn’t care. I see this little girl standing by herself looking bewildered. I go up to introduce myself and the first awkward moment ensues. This semi-handshake hug thing, much like this. I wanted to vomit from the awkwardness….Strike 1. She had a cute face but not much else. We went to the bar and I ordered a Blue Moon, my go to beer. She didn’t know what it was…. Strike 2. She said she didn’t drink much which I could respect. Then the conversation started. She didn’t initiate one thing. Not one topic. I asked all the questions and felt like a fucking moron, because I knew if I didn’t talk there would be awkward pauses. I think i used the word “Fuck” a few times because it is in fact part of my lexicon, and she seemed flabbergasted that i used a curse word. OH NO! BOO! I have to put $ dollar in the swear jar!..Strike 3. Over the course of this conversation she is barely drinking her beer, and I’m almost done, but she insists she “really likes it.” (In my head during this whole time I have random thoughts going through my mind like; going home and reading, eating Taco Bell, or listening to Avicii) She goes to the bathroom, so I start talking to the big black guy next to me with what seems to be his harem of underage college freshman. She returns. My beer is done, and I’m watching the rerun of the Broncos game. As the “date” is winding down she asks me the craziest thing I’ve done while drunk. I was perplexed at the timing of this inquiry let alone the topic. I said something like, ” I didn’t remember, I’ve been drunk a lot.” So naturally I ask her. This is her response almost verbatim; :: smirks:: ” I don’t know, I was pretty drunk new years. I went on the beach and like played in the sand and watched the waves.”….. I made a whitty comment but I almost blurted out,” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT’S THE CRAZIEST SHIT YOU’VE DONE WHILE DRUNK?? AARGHHHHHHHHH.” Strike35
I quickly got the check and paid. I shook her hand and said something stupid and bolted. I wish I had those 2 hours of my life back. It was brutal. I can normally make the best of a bad situation but this was equivalent to watching paint dry or talking to a coma patient. If you think I’m using hyperbole than you are wrong.