I stumbled into my hostel dorm around 10 am, still wearing my authentic lederhosen. I was covered in a myriad of substances ranging from beer to bodily fluids, and had that look of defeat on my face. I picked my head up and noticed all my roommates grinning, and taunting me. I went right into the shower, then into my bottom bunk. I passed out. I had had a long night.
The previous day, I had went to Oktoberfest with the rest of my hostel. I had made friends with all my roommates (all Aussies and 2 Kiwi’s and 1 Brazilian) and we were heading out to the festival for the second day of non stop drinking. We got to the tent early to reserve a spot, around 8am or so. We tipped the waitress in advance so she would remember us. From the point on it was like we had our own personal server.
The first beer of the morning is hard to stomach, especially on an empty stomach, but it somehow went down. About 3 beer’s in, the whole tent is starting to loosen up, people are alert and are at the cusp of becoming rowdy.
Fast forward till about 8. I’m like 9 beer stein’s deep. Completely shitfaced. All I had to eat was a pork knuckle, some mashed potatoes and copious amounts of strong German beer. Amongst all the chaos in the tent I look around to see that out of the 8 or so people I came with, 3 were left. At this point it was like a circus. Tits were out, people were puking, I was making out with foreigners left and right.
I eventually came across this kiwi who had an attitude. I think I just poked fun of her accent and called her a name. We were both on the table and within in 5 minutes she slapped me across the face and called me a “stupid cunt.” I was in love. Ten minutes later we were sloppily making out in the corner of Lowenbrau tent. I told my Aussie buddy I was leaving. We then walked over to her group of friends. She grabbed my face and showed it to her friends and said the following:
Kiwi: I’m going home with this American. If he rapes me, this is he looks like. he’s staying at Wombats
Me: I’m going to rape her (as I grab her and walk away)
For some reason we couldn’t go back to my hostel, within walking distance and only about a half mile away ( I had done the walk about 4 times and new my way around). Instead, we went back to wear she was staying. A fucking campground. It was 20 minutes away. We took a cab.
As we approached the campground I thought, “Fuck this is far.” It was raining and cold and I had no clue where I was. I sneak into the campground and we go into the tent. It was a 1 person tent, on a cold wet ground. I stayed the night.
I’m awoken by the sound of rain thumping on the thin tent. I look around and notice I was not wearing clothes and only had a pair of girls pants covering me. I was freezing and it was probably around 40 or so outside. After getting turned down for morning sex I ventured out of the camp in my thick leather getup.
It was fucking poring and I didn’t know where I was going. It took me 20 minutes to walk to the nearest metro station. I get inside and look at the map.
As I’m looking at this map this dude comes up to me and says the following:
dude: I’m fucked, I don’t know where I’m going. I’m guiding a tour of 23 Americans (he was a Kiwi) and I went back to some chicks hotel and I’m half hour late
me: Good luck, I’m in the same boat only I don’t have to work today
We both realize we’re on the completely wrong side of the city. The train comes, we wish each other luck and I get on. It’s about 7:30 and people are headed to work for their morning commute, and some schmuck wearing stained lederhosen walks on reeking of beer. I sit down and try to figure out where I’m going. After about 20 minutes I get off.
I apparently read the map wrong and now I’m even further away. I tried getting a cab, but to no avail. I’m fucking lost. This is worse than the time I got lost in Amsterdam following this girl back to her hotel room and then she bailed. At least then I could get a cab.
I walked into a bank and no one wanted to help me, because I looked like an asshole. I walked about 20 more minutes and found a hotel. The front desk agent said it would take 40 more minutes for a cab to come. He carefully gave me directions to take the subway back to my hostel. I still had to walk at least a mile. It was pouring rain and the leather became fully water logged and probably added an extra 15 pounds. Just about everyone in the city was staring at me.
I somehow found my way back to the hostel dripping wet, coughing and sneezing.
This is the second part of a series on online dating. Here is the first
There is a lot of stigma surrounded with the idea of online dating. No one wants to freely admit they do it, because they don’t want to come off as desperate. Up until recently people thought online dating was just the people who played D&D in their mom’s basement and never got out. This is not true. According to Match 1 in 5 relationships start online, and if that number is correct, that’s a fuck ton of people.
The more I do it, the more I give 0 Fucks about telling people that I take part in this. I will always be the first person to say it, and then slowly but surely people come out of the woodwork and say things like, “I’m on Match,” I’ve been on Jdate” etc. The more comfortable you are admitting to yourself you do it, it’s totally fine.
I’ve heard lot’s of excuses as to why girls are on the site (we know why guys are on there)
- I don’t have any time because I have grad school
- I’m tired of meeting guys at bars
- I’m looking for something more
- My friend made me do it!
Blah, blah, blah…Girls want to get fucked just as much as guys do, but they wont admit it. It’s OK, you’re still daddy’s little girl.
Ease of Online Dating
I’m pretty sure this is the easiest possible way to meet someone; it takes no effort. The same guy who told me about the site, uses the mobile app exclusively in the bathroom. He calls it “BM’s and Bitches”.
“I can take a dump at work, scroll through my phone and hit on girls! How Great is that?”
All you have to do is look at someone’s picture and if they’re good looking you’re going to want to read a little more, if they’re not you just ignore them. This is easy. I was sick one weekend and therefor couldn’t go out to the bar, but I was still able to engage members of the opposite sex without leaving the comfort of my own home. It’s the equivalent of going on Facebook and looking someone’s profile you met once. There’s no shame to it.
If I was a female, I would sign up in a heartbeat. For every asshole like me who is not going to buy dinner, there are 15 other guys who will drop $80+ on a first date. Girls hold the power.My friend told me she had some guy drop $90 on a first date. She didn’t call him again.
As a female even if you do not like the guy, just use him. This Girl is a genius. This might be immoral, but hey if you can do it, go for it. I personally can’t really talk about morals because I used a girl who had cancer, for her
houseestate ( her parents owned a compound).
This is inevitable. Not everyone you meet will like you. I’ve had a lot of bad dates, mostly because the girl sucked. (It’s never my fault) It must suck to suck. Having no sense of humor is possibly the worst thing on the planet. If you cannot laugh at my racist/religious/misogynist jokes then I don’t want to see you again.
I went out with a girl who seemed great, leading all the way through the first part of the date until she told me her political views. Now, normally I don’t care how Conservative or Liberal you are, but when this chick said she waited in line for 12 hours in the rain to meet Sarah Palin, I knew that was a red flag. Even I won’t stick my dick in crazy.
Or my very first date, where the girl just came from coaching softball practice and couldn’t change her fucking dirt covered sweat pants. REALLY?
Or the girl who has done more Acid than the people who attend Phish concerts . It was like talking to a piece of flounder; I don’t even know if she made coherent sentences or just marine animal noises. I could see her brain melting out of her ears. I stared at her chest for an hour and nodded politely while she filled me in on the joys of dancing in the mud and making “arts and crafts”. FUN!
My blind date was worse.
I usually think my dates go well, but then again I’m a huge narcissist. More often then not, you can get a feel if the person is into you; other times you can’t. It’s all a part of the game. You can’t win them wall.
To protect the people involved in this story, I’m using made up names.
Sometime last spring I was hanging out with a friend when she told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My friend, lets call her Anna, did not seem like the type to engage in this sort of promiscuous behavior. She had stated that it was part of her college bucket list and that she thought it would be fun. I was glad she wanted to leap out of her comfort zone into another vagina. Her boyfriend, Julio was also on board (what straight guy wouldn’t?).
Finding the third person usually seems to be the issue. It’s not the type of thing you just ask someone, luckily Julio and Anna had a friend who is a seasoned vet when it came to group sex. Beatrice. She was down. They were down. School was ending. It was going to happen.
I was asked to hang out with them that night (still not sure why). I was given strict directions not to flirt with Beatrice for fear of me running the night for all parties involved. I was the fourth wheel, but I was happy for my friends and wanted them to complete their mission, so I obliged.
We had all hung out during day, but I really didn’t speak too much to Beatrice. Everyone knew in their head what was going to happen.
Later on that night, the four of us went out to some Mexican joint. Everyone was getting boozed up. I can tell Julio was nervous, since this was his first foray into this new thing. Beatrice and Anna were flirting and hitting it off. I was keeping quite for the most part, not being my loquacious self. Everything seemed to be going well.
At some point during the dinning experience, Anna and Julio each had to use the restroom. It was just me and Beatrice. We started talking and she had found out the I lean left on the political spectrum. This caught Beatrice off guard, because prior to dinner I had made an offensive gay joke in poor taste. Her opinion on me changed. Anna and Julio sat back down.
Later on that night, while riding shotgun in Julio’s car, I recieved a text from Anna that went something like this:
“Beatrice want’s to bang you, there will be no threesome”
“But I didn’t even talk to her, you told me not to”
“That’s kind of what did it”
Julio was also alerted. He was upset. I felt that I had someway ruined the threesome experience for Anna and him. I did actually feel bad.
I ended up going home with Beatrice.
I’m sure there were other factors in her not wanting to have the threesome, or postponing it, but to this day, I still take a little blame for ruining what could have been a fun experience for those three. As far as I know Beatrice and Anna still talk. I’m still friends with Anna and Julio, but I have not spoken to Beatrice since, aside from 1 twitter comment.
- People who post too much on Facebook
- People who refer to themselves as Nerds
- more than 3 stickers on cars
- Jesus fish
- customized license plates
- greeters at stores
- people who don’t blame themselves
- being too humble
- being too cocky
- your kids
- your significant other
- your actions/thoughts
- poor fashion sense
- Lawyers/ law students
- grad students
- self describes “Princesses”
- the woman down the hall who looks like the Goodyear blimp
- 9-5 jobs
- ignorant people
- close minded people
- people who don’t travel
- smart phones
- boyfriends who give their girlfriends everything
- bad parents
- good girls
- Katherine Heigl
- any movies Adam Sandler made in the 00′s
- Chris Brown
- anyone who tries to add me on Facebook from high school
- obese people in tight clothing
- Mac users
- advocates of Private school
- mom jeans
- when there is two slices of bead left, and both are the end pieces
- bad coffeee
- coworkers who tell me about their sex lives
- airport security
- waking up with crust in your eyes/mouth/everywhere
- my roomates love of the Kardashians
- the people who frequent Walmart
- the creepy old man who hits on me at Goodwill
- overanxious servers
- That one bitch on Chopped
- Paula Dean
- bad camera angles in porn (i don’t want to see the dudes ass)
- the guy I work with who insists I buy his daughter’s Girl Scout cookies
- not making more coffee when you finish it
- poor felatio skills
- These Fucking People
- Lebron James
- getting charged a broker fee
- not being able to fold my burrito right at QDOBA ( this one really irritates me)
- when you name your child the same name as yourself
- ghost titties
- running out of steak sauce
- Whole Foods prices’
- doing taxes
- The DC metro
- DC cabs
- aggressive use of Curry
- WASTING FOOD
- owning lots of dvd’s
- most fast food
- yahoo email
- when I make aioli and it’s not thick enough
- girls with muffin tops wearing yoga pants
- wet hair
- curly hair
- guys wearing girls jeans
- men who shave their face everyday
- young kids at music festivals
- people who can’t hold their liquor/drugs
- people who think Diet soda is healthier than regular after drinking 40
- any places the charges out the ass for a bottle of water
- shitty airline food
- Administrators Professional Day
- so called “resume experts”
- people who work for think tanks/non-profits/senators
- Kanye West
- The New York Mets
- too much plastic surgery
- not splitting on the bill past date 2
- Ray Bans
- car commercials
- the whole country of Liberia (get your shit together)
- not crossing the street when no cars are coming, and waiting for the “Walk” sign
- that girl on my facebook who posts videos of here dancing on a pole
- people in general
This is the first part of a series on online dating
Online Dating is weird. The whole thought of it is weird. The fact that you’re meeting someone from the internet that you have only exchanged a few messages with is certainly an odd way of meeting someone. Prior to moving I had contemplated trying this out; I like females, I’m lazy and I didn’t really know anyone when I moved.
My coworker told me I should join a dating site, so that is what I did. His explanation went something like this:
“It’s so easy, you just meet chicks and fuck em, if it goes bad, who cares? there’s more fish in the sea.”
After much internal struggle and thinking, “Am I going to be that guy, doing online dating?” I thought, there is nothing to lose, so I joined.
Filling out your profile.
There are a few sections to make you compatible with others…personal questions, bio, things you enjoy, etc.
Who likes to talk about themselves? No one loves me more than I love me, and this is still a little difficult. I try not to put up too much information and write down little intricacies of my life. ( as a guy I don’t care what movies you like, or what books you read, I cant put my dick in those things)
When it came to putting up pictures, I found a few of myself in which I wasn’t totally fucked up and I looked decent. I didn’t use of pictures of me with friends because I wouldn’t want pictures of myself on a dating site without being asked first. I didn’t alter my pictures or anything, because what is the purpose of lying what you look like? Plenty of chicks have done this. Don’t do it.
The Art of the first message.
I’ll admit when I first started doing this, I had no clue how to get the attention of all the hot bitties I wanted to stick it in. My first few messages were sad…
I said the following:
- I’m awesome
Straight up pathetic.
What I didn’t realize, is that these girls are being bombarded by creepy messages from dudes saying the same shit. That does not make you stand out. I eventually modified my approach to just straight up insulting everyone. I would read their profile and find something I can rip on them for. BOOM! Some examples of this are:
- You like harry Potter? Glad you can read at a seventh grade level!
- (to a spanish girl) Making rice and beans, does not qualify you as being a good cook
- (to a black girl) I have a job and no kids, does this automatically make me better than you’re used to?
Now if she has any sense of humor, she will come back with a witty retort ( all these girls did). If she doesn’t, there is a good chance I wouldn’t like her anyway.
I do like to fuck around with theses messages. There are certainly plenty of potential dates I could get if I wasn’t such an asshole, ( these girls sent hate back) but I can’t help myself. Examples are:
- (to a Muslim girl) I want to eat bacon off you and then declare a jihad on your body
- (to a really Catholic girl) What’s the difference between Acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits till you’re 14 to cum on your face
- (girl from Alabama) How big is your trailer? Did you have enough money for the double-wide, or did you spend it getting your abortion?
Here is someone who is a year younger than me with no sense of humor.
Going on a Date.
I am a cheap fuck and I would never under any circumstance buy dinner for a girl the first time I’m meeting her, or do anything but drinks. There are few reasons why i would never break this rule.
- I don’t know you, the last thing I want to do is spend two hours with you getting dinner. That mean’s I’m locked in and I have to pretend to enjoy the conversation. Awkward.
- Do girls eat? Still not sure of this. If we are going to dinner, I want you to get dinner. Order a bacon-wrapped steak with a side of lard. If I’m paying, you’re eating.
- Creative dates come later on. You have to earn it.
- I don’t want to spend any money on you unless I’m getting some. Sorry, you’re not worth $40.
This is why I do drinks. Happy Hour will always come first. I need to get to know you and find out if you suck. If you do suck, we can each get a drink and split. I don’t mind paying for your $3 Michelob Ultra…Stop drinking that crap. Even at the most expensive happy hour I’m dropping $20-$30, and that’s with me getting a few drafts.
As cheap as I am, I know going into dates, I will always throw down the card. Girls, just fucking offer to pay. Show some effort and reach for your purse.
part 2 will follow.
I certainly may come off as a dick to some people through my story telling and my liberal use of profanity explaining the daily events of my life, however I don’t consider myself a bad person. If you’re reading this, there is a good chance you have access to a decent internet connection and a roof over your head. A lot of people take things for granted, because they never take a step back to realize how good they have it.
People complain about everything. Most people complain about trivial minutia in their life, or their cell phone died or some really stupid shit. The fact is that most people you encounter have it better than 90% of the worlds population. All these complaints fall into the category of First World Problems. I don’t mind when people bitch and complain about something they know is stupid like breaking their IPAD. Yea, it sucks get over it…You just spent $600 on something you don’t need. It only really bothers me when people think their problems are serious. You know whats serious? AIDS…not getting that pair of shoes suddenly doesn’t seem so serious anymore does it?
I grew up in a middle class household, and by most standards I’ve had an awesome time so far, but it blows my mind when I meet people who are more fortunate than I, and constantly bitch and moan about how their life isn’t going well. I believe that the major reason for this is how you were raised.
If you were given everything as a child, there is a strong possibility you suck as an adult. Female’s tend to be far worse than guys. I just met a girl who’s father bought her a new car, it wasn’t a Benz so she bitched him out till she got what she wants. Are you shitting me? wahhhhhhh my new $30,000 car isn’t a Mercedes..I’m going to cry.. People like this annoy me, especially the entitled bitchy girls (these are the ones you treat like shit). Get some work ethic and earn your own damn car. There is no greater example of this then on the web at Rich Kids of Instagram.
I have never been big fan of going to the movies, maybe when I was little, but not since then. Last summer I had the opportunity to go to several free screenings, and I only went since it was free. I like movies as much as the next person, but now there are so many others ways of seeing movies, I think going to the theater is waste. I cannot think of one movie where I thought, “I have to see this as soon as it comes out!!!”
The main reason I loathe going to the movies is People. Yes, People. I cannot stand people. People for the most part have no regard for others in a public space. Why should they stop talking on their cell phone, their phone call is important! I can put up with lots of things, even obnoxious people but it gets old.
Last summer I had a screening to MoneyBall. The movie was enjoyable, but the ambiance was not. Everyone in the theater was loud, and extremely annoying. Making comments about the movie, voicing their opinions on how the character made the wrong decision….SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’m watching the same movie as you, I can see what is going on, I am composed. You are not…RELAX, it’s just a movie.
I proceeded to turn around and let them know I was disappointed in their actions. Since they have no regard for others they proceeded to be FUCKS throughout the whole movie. I couldn’t win. Just as the movie was winding down…they did the unthinkable…they clapped!
DO NOT FUCKING CLAP FOR A MOVIE.
This is probably my number one pet peeve, and the reason why I hate the movies. I have encountered this far too often. Why are you clapping? There wasn’t someone giving a speech! It was a movie!
My most recent experience was being dragged to the Hunger Games by a friend. I had no clue the movie was targeted to middle schoolers, until I stepped in theater. We ended up being engulfed by pre-teens and freshman alike. Throughout the whole movie I had to hear giggles, snickers and texts messages. It was an awful two hours. The movie wasn’t even that good.
People need to have some respect for others, particularly in a setting like a movie theater.
If you go to the movies and see someone is being an asshole, you have a right to let them know.
As stated in the post below, I recently got back from Israel, and on this trip I interacted with several people, some of which I will continue to talk to. However, not everyone I met agreed with my sense of humor.
In the beginning of the trip we stayed at a Bedouin camp site , where several other Birthright groups were also staying. The following morning we had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to see the sunrise at Masada. Before our trek to the mountain, I was nibbling on some snacks and sipping some delicious tea and interacting with my fellow Birthrighters. I eventually started talking to some girl from Michigan who was kind of snooty ( who is in a good mood at 4am?). We started bullshitting and I made sexist comment. I don’t remember our whole conversation, but I do remember the last part.
Girl: ” I work as a (insert job here)”
Me: ” Really? I’m surprised you’re not a school teacher or a nurse!”
Girl: [ looks at me as if I just murdered her puppy] “WOW, YOU REALLY ARE JUST A DOUCHE FROM NEW JERSEY!” [ she proceeds to walk away with authority]
After that, I’m pretty sure I made a smart ass remark.
The following day, my tour guide informs me that some girl on another trip, “Does not like me very much.”
I eventually run into this girl throughout the remainder of the trip, hoping to speak to her, and maybe even apologizing for my remark (even though I wouldn’t mean it), but each time we crossed paths, she gave me a terrible look and walked in the opposite direction.
I found this whole ordeal to be quite amusing and hilarious, so I posted a missed connection on Craigslist. I wanted to see if there was still a chance we can be friends.
This is what I posted, I find it quite Amusing.
This is the response I received a few days later.
A few things caught my eye.
- How did she find this?
- Was she browsing the Missed Connections link for Ann Arbor, Michigan?
- Why is she still using an AOL email account?
After reading her email, I immediately burst out laughing, and showed it to as many people as could. This is an incredibly hateful email. If you really look at the tone of it, she is pissed, and borderline clinical. She clearly has had some daddy issues in the past. Did I really strike a nerve with this girl? It seems to be.
I have made my fair share of asinine comments in the past, but this does not even come close. I guess some people just don’t have a sense of humor.
I had the privilege to visit Israel on a free trip through the Birghright Program. We had bloggers and Journalists on our trip who wrote daily posts about the experience. I was asked to right something, so i did.
It’s 2012. I am aware of the year. I am also aware that the vast majority of us in the first world own several gadgets, most of which we don’t need. I don’t own a smartphone, and I constantly get shit for it everyday. There are a few reasons why I am using an old flip phone, which I will delve into later in this post. The main reason I don’t own a cool new Iphone or Droid is because I simply don’t want one. I have no desire to carry around a computer in my pocket which will kill even more sperm and give me cancer.
When people ask me why I don’t have a smartphone or make a sarcastic remark, I think of this
I have enough crap. I just bought an expensive camera, and I already own a laptop and an IPOD. I work with technology and I’m surrounded by it all day. I sit in front of a computer 8-10 hours a day and the last thing I want, is a computer in my pocket. That’s what smartphones are. They’re computers, not phones. Do I really need to play Words With Friend’s? No I don’t. I don’t want to draw something with you either. Fuck You. I don’t care. I also don’t care about Mobile Uploads. I don’t need to see a picture of someone’s license plate you thought was cool on Instagram. I already get enough stupid fucking Farmville requests and “100 List Challenge” invites from people I don’t talk to and my mom through Facebook. Leave me a lone. Holy Shit. I spend enough time on Facebook and Twitter, I don’t need it in my pocket 24/7.
My generation is fucked. We have grown up with cell phones, and more recently smartphones, and our attention span is getting shorter, because we have to see what everyone is doing tonight! Everyone has to know our plans. I remember when having a ringtone with lyrics in it was a big deal. Now, if your phone can’t check you in as the Mayor of Subway, you’re suddenly an outcast.
There is research also that shows that teenagers will be more fucked, since they basically need their cell phone. This is not good. They have Seperation Anxiety from and inanimate object. We’re constantly inundated with information. There is literally too much information to absorb. Too many songs to download, Podcasts to listen to, and pictures to look at, and if you spend too much time on Facebook, you realize your life isn’t as great as you thought it was. ( I don’t believe that, but people certainly do.) People can even feel alienated from Facebook, and if you can’t check it on your phone, you’re missing something important. This is also known as the Fear of Missing Out.
Everywhere I go people have their heads buried in their phone. Whether it’s reading news or playing Angry Birds, people love using their gadgets, eating up data. The other day this stupid girl walked into the poll on the metro because she was too busy texting David <3. I have no fucking clue who he is, but I managed to see her whole conversation since she was standing next to me. That’s another thing, no privacy, but that’s a whole other can of worms.
Another reason I choose not to drink the smartphone Koolaid, is that it’s expensive. No its not $30 a month, its more like $80-100. I can think of so many more things do with that money. I’ll admit I’m frugal, but I’m certainly not cheap. Cost of living is high where I live and ya know….bills. I’d rather save my money and spend it on experiences like concerts and destinations, than things. I just have my priorities. Your priorities might be to blow a bunch of lines and bang a prostitute. Who am I to judge? It’s my money and I do what I want with it.
The last reason that I still have my phone is that it’s a good phone. The service is excellent and it never has a problem. I can still text on it…and guess what? I can still make a phone call. ( I think that’s what the original intent of a mobile phone was). It’s like driving a car that has 200,000 miles. It’s vintage. I’m bringing back the flip phone.
To sum up my feelings, I really have no desire to own one. Very few people need smartphones, and if you think you really need one, chances are you don’t. No one needs to check their email constantly. Sorry you’re not as important as you think you are.